so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
