Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't turn off my feet"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
