Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Bring me that man meat
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
