I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
