hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
