Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
