2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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