so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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