Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Houston, we have a squirter
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
