oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
