peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
