just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
