Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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