you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
