Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
