Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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