I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
