I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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