you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
