I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
