So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
