so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
