I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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