It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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