the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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