dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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