I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I checked into jail on foursquare
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
