Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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