Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
