someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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