he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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