I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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