Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
