Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
