I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize