I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
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yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order