My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.