I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
