WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.