God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
