she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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