If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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