I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
