11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Please, let me fuck your mom
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
