I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
