just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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