Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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