If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
