just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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