I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
