i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
