Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
