There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
