No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
