your parents love me but you hate me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
