you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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