my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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