my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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